Your Friends on the High Street
If you like clothes the British high street has so much to offer. Maybe even too much!
Each of these brands is selling us a vision of womanhood. And their woman is usually cool, confident, modern. Or at least, that is the idea! But when you look at the clothes, it can be different story. I try to imagine (with zero accuracy) who they are really dressing…
Take River Island. Their woman is in Ibiza every weekend in the summer and will never stop wearing neon coloured things. For her, the party never ends.
Jane Norman. Ahh Jane! She lives in body con all day, all night, no matter what the occasion. And she can’t help it. She is a sexy lady with a tried and tested formula. If you’re lucky enough to go back to her apartment she will probably rock your world and you will walk funny for days.
Karen Millen. Yes Miss Karen! She is who Jane Norman becomes when she has more money! Still sexy as hell! But now she is charge of something – a department, a company, a small country?
Oasis. Sweet Oasis, with her floral patterns and girlish prettiness. She is so appropriate with not a hint of danger or threat about her. And why should she? She is perfectly poised and her hem is always the right length. She is who you should bring home to your mother. She is even appropriate in bed. Careful not to moan too loud or object when her boyfriend tells her he can only climax during anal sex.
I say all this but here is a word of warning – don’t fuck with Oasis girl. This is a wolf in sheep’s clothing.
Topshop. The shop that is top! This lady is can be a size 8 or a size 18, it doesn’t matter. She is perfectly proportioned top and bottom….and also imaginary because some of the stuff in there is pretty wacky. And I swear I never see anyone wearing that stuff. Even in my clubbing days. Who is this lady?
Dorothy Perkins. Oh dear old Dotty P! She is lovely. Maybe you call her a friend, but you never remember she exists until you walk right past and then you go ooooh yeaaaah!
COS. This lady has one concern and that is comfort. That is important because she is probably a designer! A maker of things! Maybe an architect! And that is why everything in that shop is cut like a square or a triangle. It’s scientifically proven that these are the optimum shapes to wear if you want to conceal an entire shed full of tools inside your clothes. You should date this woman! She has the tools and know-how to build you a wardrobe and make you a sex swing from scratch.
FCUK. She is one of your dearest friends. You love her but she aggravates you in equal measure by having no concern for the COST OF THINGS!
All Saints. You only know this lady through FCUK lady. She is a friend of a friend. And a knob. You have no idea why FCUK is friends with her.
M&S. this lady is still your Mum. That’s okay because you are kind of looking forward to becoming her.
Moonsoon. This your Mum during that hippy phase.
Mango . She is Spanish or Italian. You find her intimidating but you can’t put the words together to say why. You just find yourself giggling like an idiot when she is around…Maybe you are in love with her! Gasp!
Primark. This lady changes her look every week, creating the illusion that she is filthy rich by always looking suspiciously put together. It makes you narrow your eyes every time you see her.
Paul Smith. I left Paul to last because this is who I wish I was. Sophisticated, feminine, easy going luxe type . But alas, I have middle class taste and chip shop money.
There are so many more personalities to imagine. You could go on forever.
Let me know if you have spotted any!
UPDATE: I just googled Jane Norman and realized she is not on the high street as a standalone shop anymore. What a shame! It’s tough out there, but you can’t keep a good woman down. I’m sure she will be back.
